They say every pregnancy is different.
And “they” couldn’t be more right.
At least as it pertains to me and my 2nd pregnancy.
I’m officially at the halfway point – 20 weeks baby! And it’s slightly mind boggling how different it’s all been. (side note: we find out the gender this week! Be sure to follow on Instagram to find out 😉👏🏾)
Part of me wonders if I actually forgot how it all went (which is totally plausible) so that’s why it feels so different. Or is this second time around really that much worse than my first.
Yes, I said it.
It’s been worse. Way worse.
So worse in fact that I’m slightly worried I may give birth to a demon child….
Which is a horrible thing to think and say, but when I’m in the throes of nausea, heartburn, and indigestion all at once, I can’t help have the thought cross my mind.
Add on top of that being responsible for the health and wellbeing of a toddler….
The time that was spent lounging around dreaming about baby names and nursery designs is now taken up by trying to convince my 1yr old to eat his peas and stop throwing his milk cup on the floor.
Pregnant or not, looking after a toddler is exhausting. Even a relatively easy-going one like Mason.
There’ve actually been times when I forgot I’m pregnant.
Though that’s starting to become less and less as the belly begins to grow more. But with so much going on, it’s just not at the top of my mind that often.
I remember with Mason I was obsessively monitoring every little step. I counted down the days to my next midwife appointment, I was researching birthing plans and meticulously planning out what to take in my hospital bag.
With baby #2, someone asked me how far along I was and I completely blanked. Literally thought to myself ‘how far along am I with what?’.
When I finally connected the dots, I pathetically responded with “Oh, Ummm…I’m not quite sure, 12 weeks? Or something like that….”
I just can’t seem to connect with that gung-ho spirit I had when pregnant with Mason. Which I will fully admit fills me with all types of mom guilt.
I worry that I’ll forever compare baby #2 to Mason. Especially since how things went with Mason are still relatively fresh in my mind.
I worry that I’ll resent #2 if they’re not as easy-going as Mason was as a baby.
That I’ll somehow make #2 resent Mason because of how much I compare them.
And that I’ll effectively ruin this kid’s confidence in being him/her self.
Then – ohmygod – don’t even get me started on the other side of the coin, where it’s Mason who becomes resentful because #2 turns out to be super awesome.
These are all thoughts that tend to creep up on me when waking up in the middle of the night to go pee.
It’s a fresh pot of worries and guilt that come with a 2nd child. Some of which I’m sure I haven’t even tapped into yet.
But as someone who strives to be optimistic – especially when it comes to change – I refuse to let myself think I’ve sunk a ship when it hasn’t even set sail yet.
Yeah this pregnancy has been harder and maybe that means this baby will be a wild one.
But think about how boring life would be if all our experiences, all our people, were the same.
Actually…in a sudden twist of events, as I sit here thinking it all over – I’m glad this pregnancy is different.
And I hope this baby is different from Mason in all sorts of ways (except for maybe sleeping….I’d love to have another good sleeper 🤞🏾).
Cause where’s the joy, thrill, and excitement in bringing another life into the world if they’re all going to be the same?
So yes, my 2nd pregnancy has been very different so far.
Just as it should be.